A recent Inside Higher Ed commissioned Gallop to poll 647 college presidents. The survey showed that 78% of college presidents think that their campuses are problem-free when it comes to sexual assault. They go even as far as believing that their institutions are high performers in protecting their female students from sexual assault.
How could they not know that over a hundred colleges are undergoing investigations by the Department of Education about concerns regarding how they have handled sexual violence reports. Fewer than one-third of cases investigated result in expulsion. Many of the victims feel that the institutions are in violation of the Title IX federal gender equity law. A standout hockey player at the University of Alabama at Huntsville confessed to raping a female student, but the school decided not to expel him. Just as alarming is that many of the students found guilty of the crime can transfer without disclosing their offence.
It is as if the presidents of these institutions have their heads stuck in the sand while the administrations are turning to public relations tactics to appease the parents and the media. Students at the University of North Carolina-Charlotte won a NCAA backed competition for a video they made showing that they take sexual assault seriously.
There are a lot of changes that need to be made. Hopefully, these colleges and universities will address the issue over the summer break. And announce some new and more solution-oriented policies come fall. And hopefully not the public relations campaigns that we’ve witnessed so far.
Small and petty relationship irritants usually are the roots to bigger issues…such as feeling blind-sided by a remark, not being listened to or having unwarranted or unreasonable demands expected of you.
Recently, a couple that I’ve worked with for some months shared with me a recent issue that they dealt with. She was upset that her husband hit her out of the blue (as they pulled into the driveway from church) with the declaration that in their many years of marriage, they are always late because of her tardiness…for everything!
Visibly upset and feeling caught off guard, the wife pointed out that she only takes an hour to get dressed. And that she felt that taking only an hour, for a woman, is very reasonable.
The husband then explained that she used an hour to put her clothes on. But at the hour mark, she then announces that she only has to brush her teeth which means her teeth, her hair and her make-up…another 30 minutes!
The wife had no argument. She knew that her husband was correct. So they let the conversation drop. But she tried to follow some of the suggestions that she received in our trainings and decided to figure out why he brought the issue up at this time. She realized that it was because he was late (maybe 3 – 5 minutes) for arrival time at church that morning. He had to sing on the men’s choir. It caused unnecessary stress and embarrassment for him. They both were scheduled to sing later at another church event. And he did not want a repeat of that morning. That’s where his seemingly out-of-the-blue comment came from.
She decided to try and do better. She tried to time herself that afternoon to be ready at the designated time to leave. However, when she pulled the slacks that she decided to wear out of the closet (five minutes prior to leaving), they were wrinkled! So, she ran downstairs, set up the ironing board, turned on the iron, ran back up stairs to get her purse and music in order to have everything needed in order to not have to go back up stairs once the pants were ironed. In doing so, she would be ready to go directly to the car.
And she did beat her husband to the car. He was two minutes past the agreed ‘ready’ time because he thought he had misplaced the car keys until his wife admitted that she moved the keys! She did so when she was running around like a person with their head cut off in order to buy herself a few more minutes in order not to be late…again!
They both laughed, he commended her for really listening to what he said, taking responsibility and trying to do better. And she agreed to continue to do better with her time management.
The wife got over her hurt feelings, they did not spend the rest of their afternoon in silence and he remembered one of the reasons why he married her…her humor! All of us in relationships have to learn how to search for the bigger issue. The process usually provides the best solution as to how you should act and react when small irritants, such as a blind-sided statement from a partner, arise in a relationship.
It’s starting to look a lot like Spring here in the southeast. But the real story about the weather we’ve been having in the U.S. is unfolding (so to speak).
You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to know that super snow storms plus cabin fever equals an increase in birth rates. It’s a phenomenon known as the “Fertility Effect of Catastrophe” which dates back to 1965 when this huge power outage in New York City led (nine months later) to record increases in birth rates!
You may not know, however, that September 16th is the one most common day of shared birth dates. If you trace that date back, you’ll find that those babies were conceived during the winter snowy season! And we cannot factor out Christmas and Valentine’s Day. Twice as many condoms are sold during then.
You can bet your last dollar that hospitals are counting up the months right now. You can also put money on the fact that the hospitals along the eastern coast, especially in Boston and New England, are gearing up for those July and August babies that are coming!
I’m willing to bet that you probably did not realize that Sunday is the least popular day for sex. So which days are? Friday and Saturday of course, by 18 percent.
Have you ever turned down sex because it was too hot or too cold? Well, the makers of Trojan brand condoms conducted a survey in 2010 on the affects of weather as related to sexual frequency. The Trojan® “Degrees of Pleasure” survey links hot weather and precipitation to increased sexual frequency and satisfaction. Thirty five percent of the participants had refused to have sex if it was too hot. But only 19 percent refused because it was too cold.
The survey also found that, “83 percent of Americans rate rain as the best weather condition for sexual intercourse, while respondents in hotter climates like Miami (102 times per year) and Atlanta (88 times per year) report higher rates of sexual activity. While many Americans may prefer hot weather or rain outdoors, 27 percent say that tingling sensations can improve their sexual interactions.”
Researchers have also found that couples with one or more children are the most likely to conceive during snow storms and power outages. They attribute the finding to cabin fever and the lack of distractions from business emails, text messages and other social media. Total confinement for these couples gives them the opportunity to get reacquainted with themselves and their intimacy.
Evidently, when the house is dark, is when it’s time fool around…people are 13 times more likely to have sex at night than in the afternoon…and 17 times more likely to have sex at midnight than at 10 a.m.
You shouldn’t despair about all of this snow, babies and weather. It’s nature doing its job. Keep in mind, however, that April and it’s showers are on the way. And with that comes the best days and nights to have sex…according to 83% of Americans!
While most people know BDSM to mean bondage, discipline, sadism and masochism, for the many novices who are jumping on the bandwagon (or being kept inside of the bandwagon) perhaps it should stand for bad decision, stupid move. Let’s face it, no matter how enticing it might seem to live the 50 Shades fantasy, the reality is that BDSM should be a game played by professionals, that is, people who know what they are doing. It has never been a part of my fantasy life to be completely restrained, whipped or violated with objects against my will. Nor has it been my fantasy to be the person causing the pain, wielding the restraints or putting objects into someone’s body against their will. But, if that is what you want, proceed with caution.
Many sexual games or practices have had bad consequences when no safety measures were put in place or no thought was given to anything other than desired outcomes. Just think about “Viagra” and the warnings (an erection that won’t go down for more than – ouch – four hours). Think about autoeroticism, the practice of deriving pleasure without external stimulation (like having an orgasm without physical stimulation as from a certain type of music or a thought). Most forms of autoeroticism are not problematic from a physical standpoint but there are those who practice auto asphyxiation or auto-bondage who may have many problems, from the inconvenience of being unable to release restraints to the most unfortunate outcome of suffocation and death.
I say all of this to say that pleasure is a fine goal and the thrill of trying new things is great BUT know what is necessary to not only survive the experience but to benefit from it. BDSM is not something you do to please someone else. And, most definitely, it is not something to be done with a casual acquaintance. Let’s face it, if you let a stranger tie you up or whip you, can you be sure that he or she can be trusted to know when to stop. And, heaven forbid, if the stranger is someone who gets off on violence, that is the worst possible situation to be in.
So, is the B in BDSM short for BEWARE? Is the acronym short for bad decision, stupid move? Only you can determine what it means to you.
Life is short. Live it fully and without fear but live it with a deep and comprehensive awareness of what you are getting into and how to get out of it.
I am sure that E L James never thought that her book would change the national conversation about bondage, dominance, sadomasochism and masochism (BDSM). But 50 Shades of Grey did just that! In fact, the word porn is such a hard sounding word. However, when you say, mommy porn, it almost makes you feel all warm and fuzzy inside.
So, just what is this 50 Shades ‘mommy porn’? The BDSM community says that they are all about safe, sane and consensual play (SSC) even though some prefer ‘risk aware’ consensual play (RACK) – informed consent about risky activities. However, even though the book suggests that several characters live in the style 24/7, members of the BDSM community all agree that, generally speaking, none of their practitioners control every aspect of someone’s life, nor should anyone be forced into trying it the first time.
Another point where there is agreement is that the movie has brought the BDSM world out of the closet, so to speak, and into the living room as well as the bedroom. And even though some enjoy the notion of seeing a scantily dressed half naked person leading someone around on all fours (around by a dog collar and leash), there are different levels of involvement. One would be surprised at the numbers of stay-at-home submissives (or bottoms as they’re called in the BDSM world) that can’t wait for their tops (dominants) to get home! Most folk refer to them as husbands and wives or partners…“lifestylers”.
Come with me into the world of BDSM. It’s not all about pain. Bondage, dominance, sadomasochism and masochism have many faces. However, its crux is the exchange of power. It can be about whipping and causing pain by some, but not all. Some people into these phenomena are neither Sadist nor Masochist.
Don’t be surprised, but sex does not always occur in a BDSM experience. Pain, pleasure and power are mind games mainly experienced psychologically…not physiologically, like sex. One of the most sensual experiences I’ve ever had was when another person undressed me with their eyes. I can still feel the burn of the flush on my face. And how giddily I spoke immediately afterwards. The orgasm wasn’t one where my body pulsed and I screamed uncontrollably and out loud. But the feeling of total abandonment in those ten plus seconds is a feeling that I will never forget.
As we go further, don’t let anyone tell you that only people with traumatic childhoods are into BDSM. Most people that are interested in experiencing things differently tend to come from open and alternative lifestyles. It’s more mainstream than we really know.
We have to face the reality of all of the buzz surrounding the 50 Shades of Grey movie. And that reality, like it or not, is shown in the box office receipts of $81.7 Million in week one! What is that telling us? Mommies love mommy porn – a lot of sizzle without the hard core.